What I've learned a la Ma

Not too long ago my sister commissioned our Mother to start carrying around a small blank notebook so that when an 'ism' of hers came to mind, or out of her mouth; it was to be penned down. Bernadette Guenette (no middle name, rhyming and all), little French Canadian girl born and growing up on the bottom end of middle class in this big city of ours has a lot of quips, tips, sayings, anecdotes and simple philosophies that are useful, clever and sometimes darn right entertaining: they are definitely worth documenting. Mum also has a knack or habit if you will of doling out mini musical numbers. Throw her a word and it can be sung from a tune; and will. Think teapot, twinkle or lamb. You get where it would go. A city girl, Mum knows Toronto and how a metropolis operates like she does the few wrinkles on her face. Since I was a teenager out and about without supervision, and then driving; she always used to make it clear that if ever lost, Adelaide will get you out of the core super easy. A tip for any of you nay sayers who are confused or scared of the downtown grid, Adelaide will always get you out. It turns into the freeway. Clever. Ever driving like a turtle hunched over wheel and squinting eyes darting left and right to look for a teensy weensy house number on said street? Well, mother knows that odd numbers are almost always on the south and west side. It's generally fail safe. Just like when naming an intersection, always lead with the north/south going of the pair. Dare you to try and state some major crossroads and say the east/west one first...it just won't roll off the tongue naturally. Hold out your arm and hand rigidly horizontally in front of you. Now bend your knuckles once, the step right before putting them into a fist. See that second bone down from the tip of your fingers that's now vertical? It's roughly an inch. Yup, Bernie Patience is all about the imperial, no metric system for her. Measure twice, cut once...just be sure to use the same finger. Now you're thinking, how handy to be able to reference an inch so easily, I just know you are. Ma says you're welcome. She's not always polite however. Besides Mumsy having a wee bit of a trucker mouth occasionally, it was also always always always ingrained in me when I was a soft spoken, gentle, 'insert such euphemism here' child, that if someone hits you, HIT BACK. Fight. Giv'er all you got. Deal with the authorities later. None of this turn the other cheek crap. She goes to church every week. Piercings on men are not acceptable, and tattoos on anyone are not flattering. Red ink should never be used to autograph any document, receipt, bill, etc. Never a stickler for elbows on the dinner table, hats were more her issue. With advancing social ergonomics if you will, the chapeau rule has been nixed. Sometimes even the folks at the restaurant don't want to see the greasy nappiness hidden beneath. Did you know, when you have no more interest in your plate, the utensils can be gathered and your combination of dish and tableware turned into a clock stating 4:20 as they lay in front of you. This signals a beacon for the server to clear them. Knife and fork at 4 and you're done. She's made it a natural for us when done eating. Hrmph. If however you choose a fast food outing, a package of vinegar can easily and always substitute in a pinch for a quick clean and disinfect of your eating surface. Ketchup and mustard need not see the inside of a fridge at home. Dented cans should never be purchased from the grocery store...i think because of botulism? Cottage cheese is a better replacement for ricotta in lasagna, but uncooked can only be eaten with orange jello powder mixed amongst. Mashed potatoes must always be made from the real thing; and on the same token, the only good use for frozen vegetables is as ice packs on wounded limbs. If they're not available, don't fret. She's been known to have a stack of 1 quart milk bags empty of dairy, but housing a drenched then frozen face cloth in each for these types of emergencies. Check the old ice box. Any trip to the emergency room at the hospital will take 5 hours; regardless of the time of day or season, at least 2 coats of paint are necessary for complete and acceptable wall coverage; regardless of technique, suggestion or advancements in products available, and even if only for 1 exit, a whiz onto the highway with her lead foot as guide is preferred. No iron? No problem! A damp towel and your wrinkled clothing item together for a quick romp in the dryer and you're set to go. Not a crease in sight! She's got other nifty betterments to the regular around the house machinery too. By tying the extension cord of the lawnmower around it's handle bar, near the end at the plug makes your navigation to and fro the garden patch a whole lot easier. And one must under no circumstance great or small use our teeth to replace a scissor, plier or vice grip type tool. You only get one set...make them last. I love that to almost any song, the jive can be danced with her husband and that she feels it's worth every groan and grunt of annoyance from her subject to get a camera in their face. Memories are in photographs and seldom a regret. Decades along the way in time when we no longer have her in our presence, we can remember her by this notebook she has filled, brimming with Bernadette-isms; a catalog of a woman who inspired, taught and shared.

Toodles